The Things I’d Never Say To People’s Faces.

The Things I’d Never Say To People’s Faces.
Inspired by Matt and H.

I’m gonna go with names, too.

I’m doing things that I wish I could say, as well.

Cody- You are my best friend. Whether other people consider you their best friend or you consider someone else your’s, I’m still going to call you that. You’re the one I can always talk to about and not feel like I’m being judged. You have the biggest heart out of anyone I know. It kills me sometimes. But it’s why you’re awesome. You’re everything I’m to afraid to be. I love you, dude.

Matt- You’ve been one of my best friends since 7th grade. You’re one of the most genuine people I know. You don’t know how much I respect your edge. I wish I could be as dedicated to something as you are to it. I feel like we haven’t been as close lately, though. If I ever do something to make you mad, please don’t be afraid to talk to me about it. I’m always here for you. You’re everything I wish I was. I love you, bro.

Will- Sometimes I wish you would chill the fuck out.You can be disgustingly arrogant, and you act like a total bitch sometimes. And it bothers me that you can’t take what you dish out. But you’re honestly one of my best friends. Even if you think you’re not. You’re one of the best musicians I know. I’m jealous of your talent. You’re going to be incredibly successful with it. I love you.

Dad- You’re my hero. I look up to you so much. I wish I was as motivated and hardworking as you are. I honestly hope I can be half the man you are one day. I love you, Dad.

Mom- I’m sorry for hating you. I feel so bad about that now. You’ve been through so much in life and you’ve come out on top. You’ve worked so hard and done so much for me. You’ll never know how much I appreciate you. I’m sorry for Randy. I wish I could take all of the hurt from that out of your life. You deserve everything you have now. I love you, Mom.

Patrick- You can be a total idiot sometimes. But I couldn’t ask for a better brother. You’ve been going through so much but you’re coming out of it stronger then before. I hope I can make you believe that things are going to get better for you. I love you, man.

H- I’m gonna be honest. I really did not like you. I thought you were a total arrogant bitch. But now, I think you’re awesome. I wish I had the energy you did. It’s awesome. I’m glad you’ve got Cody. You deserve each other, and watching you guys gives me hope. And I always have reasons for being late=) I hope we become a lot closer.

Peyton- You’re fucking hilarious. You’re the glue that holds Fighting Haysi together. I’m not sure we’d be a band if it wasn’t for you. I’m excited bout what’s next for us. I love you, dude.

Dorian- I’m glad we’re friends. I would hate to have you mad at me. You’re awesome to party with. I really would stab someone for you. I love you.

Chad- Nights at your apartment are fucking awesome. Drinkin’ and doin’ stupid shit rules. It’s awesome that you think I’m cool enough to hang out with. I really hope you don’t move.

Scott- You’re one of the funniest mother fuckers I know, and you’re one of the best musicians I know. You’re solo stuff is incredible. I listen to your cd all the time. You’re awesome, and I’m honestly jealous of you.

Camille- You were such a big part of my life for so long that I’m still afraid of what you’ll say or what you’ll think. I’m really glad we’re friends.

Randy- I wish I knew if you were alive or where you were. I think about calling your dad and asking if he knows anything about you. I’m too afraid to, though. I hope that one day you can get the fuck over yourself, and come back and apologize for mom. I miss having a big brother.

Time for bed.

The Weight of the World.

I feel like I need to get this off of my chest. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m hiding these feelings.

I feel like I’m the most paranoid and self-conscience person I know.

I always feel like my friends don’t really wanna hang out with me or at times, not even like me… I guess it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help how I feel. I’ll never say anything to them about it because it’s stupid. And I don’t wanna be “that guy”. You know the guy who prematurely confronts people. At times, though, I feel like my best friends blow me off or ignore my calls. I feel like I don’t really fit in with them. I feel like I’m judged by them…

It’s not their fault though. I hate that I have these feelings. I wish I could accept the fact that people like me for who I am. But for some reason I’ve never been able to. It always seems like I’ve never been able to be happy myself. Like me for who I am. My mother was always proud of the fact that she had a son who went through high school without doing dumb shit to fit in. To be perfectly honest, Mom, I didn’t do that stuff, not cuz I was secure with myself, but because I was afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid that people won’t like me. Those, next to spiders, are my greatest fears. And these fears have kept me paralyzed. I care too much about what people think about me. I want everyone to like me. And it’s hard for me to accept the fact that I can’t please everyone.

I wish I could be happier with myself.

I hope by bitching on a blog I can overcome my fears and become the person I want to be.

Cody Aaron Ryans and Matthew Emery Zumwalt I love both guys more than you’ll ever know. Thanks for putting up with my immature jokes, and bouts of stupidity. Both of you guys are everything I want to be but are too afraid to be. This week has been awesome, and I’m gonna miss you guys next year.